Update before July is out...

I've been really, really quiet, for some time, now. I've been doing massive amounts of research on creative process and visual thinking -- just kind of following different threads, and seeing where they lead me. Researching as an artist in search of material, as an individual in need of explanations, rather than a hard-science inquisitor with facts to prove or disprove.

It's been a deeply personal process, and I can't say I'm entirely comfortable with everything I've found, but it's all grist for the mill. It's all material for my ongoing work, and in that respect, it's been a very productive number of months.

I've been drawing a lot. I've been writing a lot. I've been "distracting" myself a lot... which is what I used to think, till I realized (just this morning, in fact) that I haven't been distracting my attention, I've been deepening it. I just didn't realize until very recently, how it was all put together.

I really have to "trust the process" (much as I detest that expression) in this. Have faith that there is some underlying reason why I'm "scattering" my attentions and going off on different tangents. I really have to believe that the visual/spatial part of myself that's so very, very hungry for information and understanding, knows what it's doing, knows its own needs, and knows how to get itself fed.

I've been feeding that part of myself, lo, these past 8 months... or rather, it's been clamoring to be fed, and I've indulged it. I can't say that I was feeding it, 'cause at a very fundamental level, it wasn't a conscious choice on my part... I wasn't fully aware enough to 'get' that I was feeding it, only that I was running around in all different directions, compulsively consuming vast amounts of information about stuff that a part of me suspected might just be very, very important -- and it was.

Well, whatever the process, that part of me that was aching to be tended to, did in fact get fed. It had its fill (for now), and I am coming away from the past 6-8 months with a vastly more complete understanding of myself, my life experience, my way of relating to the world, my way of relating to myself and my friends and family, than I have ever had before.

So, the distraction has been well worth it. And I am feeling a whole lot more centered, more capable, more able, more connected, more comprehensible, than ever before in my entire life.

It's quite remarkable. But enough of the words. That's where I'm at right now, but only time will tell how this plays out in the world beyond my head. And that, for me, is where it truly counts.